Who am I?

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about myself.  What I like.  What I dislike.  About my spiritual life and my marriage. I have been wondering if I am self righteous.  I have even been pondering about trivial things like my face. Am I  starting to look old?  Midlife crisis? Nope.  But I do admit sometimes I get lost in the humongous responsibility of my family and forget about myself.

Sometimes, I am awfully hard on myself.  This week I talked to God a lot about "me." The resounding answer I heard was, " I created you just the way you are."

On that note who am I?

I’m an honest person.  I have high expectations and can be judgmental.  I love to cook for people.  I hate crafts and don't have a creative bone in my body. I’m courageous and determined.  If you tell me I can't do something it makes me want to do it more.  I am loyal to a fault. I have a huge heart and I feel peoples pain, deeply.  It's a blessing and a curse. It takes a lot to make me mad and I give lots of second chances.  I fiercely love my family.  I have a heart for orphans and adoption. I hate to clean, but one of my favorite things is a clean house. My favorite spot is the beach.  It calms me.  I love to shop. I’m a great listener, but I really struggle with keeping my mouth shut at times.  My faith is everything to me. I want to share it with the world and don't want to come across as self righteous in the process. Still trying to figure that out. I love people. I feel God has given me the gift of encouragement.  I am a sweet tea and fast food addict. I feel my number one job, currently, is to be a good wife and mother.  Someday, I want to write a book or be a realtor.  I am totally transparent.  That is why I write this blog and admit my shortcomings publicly.  I hate facades.  I talk to God throughout my days.  I couldn't live without a relationship with Him and He adores me.

God created me just the way I am and He loves me.  (relaxed sigh)

Life is about embracing all your gifts and faults and using talents God gave you. Be who He made you to be.

In this world of blogs, Internet, Pinterest, and Facebook we are constantly exposed to other's lives.  We read about what they think and how they parent and how they dress and what they eat or don't eat.  It sometimes leaves me wondering.   I question myself.  Who am I? What do I believe? What do I like? Am I good enough?  Media isn't necessarily a bad thing if you can stay grounded in the process. We have to weed through it all.  Know who you are.  Know who you are in Christ.

Christ gave me that big heart that feels every ones pain for a reason. To benefit His Kingdom.  He made me fiercely loyal.  He gave me a passion for adoption.  He gave me a love of sweet tea.  Who knows, maybe someday I will meet someone in the McDonald's check out line that He wants me to be in contact with.

I want to love myself.  With all my quirks, and imperfections because God loved me first.  He has a purpose for me. But God also gave me trials and four children and difficult people in my life to help me rub off my rough edges.  To make me more dependent on Him.

On that note.  I did buy ridiculously expensive (for me anyway) skin care products this week because I came to the conclusion that I need them. 

Who are you?  God loves you.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.  Jeremiah 1:4-5

I am familiar with all your ways.  Psalm 139:3

For you are my treasured possession Exodus 19:5

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

The Baby

The last little bird will leave the nest.  3 days a week. Something about the baby.  The last one.

My Kneisley Nest. It hangs in a frame on my wall.  One of my favorite things.

This time next week I will have all four children in school.  It's weird, really. I have thought about this moment many times, especially on hard days.  I have wished for it on days I thought would never end and now it is here.  People keep high fiving me that I will have all my kiddos in school.  It is all so  new.  It will be good.  I'm a little sad.  It's like reading the last chapter of a great book you've cozied up to for some time.  You know there is a sequel but you haven't read it yet and you fear...it might not be as good.

I've had littles under my feet at home for as long as I can remember.  There have been no peaceful shopping trips, no pedicures and no solo visits to the gym.  Coffee dates  have always included interruptions for potty assistance and requests for snacks.  But it's what I know and I have grown kind of fond of it.

My one friend told me, after dropping her baby off at school, she cried all the way from the school parking lot to the restaurant.  She arrived at breakfast with her girlfriends and quickly realized she was going to be perfectly fine. I will be fine.  I will probably really like it most days. My heart is just a little heavy anticipating the change

I was sitting here pondering that my house will most definitely be cleaner. Surely,  I will always have the pantry stocked because getting to the grocery store will be a piece of cake. I won't be scrambling all the time because I will have more time to accomplish my to do list and of course I will probably be 2 sizes smaller by Christmas. I will have no excuse not to make it to the gym. Right?  Who am I kidding? Certainly not myself.  But it sounds good.

Boy will I miss my sidekick in life.  Aubrey.  She is my helper, my conversationalist, my Bible study and MOPS escort, my shopping companion, my cleaning assistant, my confidant and my friend.  I'm going to miss those sweet blue eyes peering at me as I gaze in my rear view mirror. It's a comfort knowing she is there with me.  We do everyday life together.

She told me the other day she didn't want to go to school because she didn't want me to be alone.  Sweet girl. Daddy assured her I wouldn't be alone. He told her we would be at breakfast together on a regular basis.  I have to say that doesn't sound all that bad.

But as I typed the last few paragraphs the tears started falling. Giving my baby girl wings.  Training her up and letting her fly a little at a time. It's not easy and she is the last one.

Something about the last one.  The others maybe didn't sting as much because there was another one still at home to fill the void.

 That preschool won't know what hit them when my persistent, sugary sweet, hilarious, little spitfire waltzes into that classroom and wins everyone over with her charm. And don't forget that precious, expressive face.

I am her biggest fan.  I can't wait to see how she does.  In the world.  The ballerina backpack is ready to go.

Pray for your children's teachers this year.  Pray that your children will be a light in the darkness.  Cover your children in prayer everyday as you travel to school.

My child, listen and accept what I say.  Then you will have a long life.  I am guiding you in the way of wisdom, and I am leading you on the right path.  Proverbs 4:10-11

Do not worry about anything, but pray and ask God for everything you need, always giving thanks.  And God's peace which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

As my baby bird's wings get a little stronger on her first solo departure from the nest, you will find this mama on her knees. But really.... I know God has got this.

Anyone free for coffee?

Please bring the Kleenex.