Made.

My butt is too big. The loose skin from pregnancy hangs over the front of my pants,  no matter how hard I work out ( Otherwise known as muffin top).  My hair is too flat.  My arms are flabby.  If I only looked like that woman....sound familiar?  These thoughts run through my head on a daily basis.  I know just from hearing my girlfriends talk that most of us have majorly distorted body images!  We are our toughest critics.

Today as I was getting dressed Caroline was sitting in the floor watching me.  She said, "Mommy I wuv (love) you and you are pity (pretty)."  It made me smile. Out of the mouth of a toddler.    I thought, why can't I see myself in God's image?  He created me and I am unique and beautiful.

As badly as I might want liposuction and botox I'm taking my imperfections as battle scars. Until I have enough money to fix them...just kidding.... kind of!

God thank you for giving me a daughter to remind me I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Help me to teach my girls that YOU created them in YOUR image and they are masterpieces!  Help me to be an example of your teachings...even when it's hard! 

I'm sure with four daughters we will have body image issues along the way.  I'm just gearing up!

"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well."  Psalm 139:14

Rock.

When I pondered motherhood before I had kids I always imagined the birthday parties, family holidays and school days.  I never thought about the "stuff" for lack of a better word that wouldn't be fun but would bond me to my children.  The nights of sleeping with Brynn because she was in a new country and would wake up scared in the middle of the night.  Trying to arouse Anna  from a dead sleep to go to the bathroom so she wouldn't wet her bed.  Rocking with Caroline at all hours because she was obsessed with nursing and I couldn't tell her "no".  Clutching Aubrey to my chest as she suffered through sickness and fever.   It is the glue that binds us together.

The other day I was putting Aubrey down for her nap and she looked up at me and said, "Ock Mama ock." (Translation "Rock Mama rock.")  She wanted to rock.  Back in the day I would have thought to myself,  no she is stalling.  She needs to take her nap.  I need to get things done.  Today I looked at my precious ones face  and rocked.  I sat there breathing her in.  Looking into her eyes all the way to her soul. She met my gaze and never looked away.  It was so comfortable.  I held her tightly in my arms rocking back and forth.  My heart was overflowing.  I was thinking of all the chaos that has transpired in my house over the past few years.  I chuckled at all of the poopy diapers I have changed and all of the vomit I have cleaned up and all I could do was grin.  No, it hasn't all been rosey and I still say,  "I'll sleep when I'm dead."

  I can't hug them enough or kiss them enough or pray with them enough.  My girls and I are bonded for life over the good times and not so good.  Lately, I have been taking the time to rock....  even my seven year olds.

Good things.

Boy, I have those mornings when I wake up and watch out world.  I am mad and negative and my day hasn't even started yet.  Those are the days I don't want to face the tasks in front of me.

One thing I've learned over the years is negativity breeds negativity.  It sounds simple enough but it took me a long time to figure this out.  If I am complaining about my husband I will find flaws in him all day long.  I just heard something a few months ago that hit me like a ton of bricks.  When a certain child is bothering me and I am having negative feelings toward said child, that is the child that needs to be drawn close, even  if my instinct is to push her away.

It is necessary to bring our minds into submission.  Prayer is always helpful but so is looking for the "good things."

Here are my list of "good things" from today:

Bright blue skies and sunshine

Big sunglasses (They make even the worst hair look much better when worn on top of the head. Casually chic.  I never leave home without them!)

Kisses on the nose from my toddler

The sound of laughter at my breakfast table. (Helped me forget about the mess underneath my breakfast table)

Music (Never start cleaning the kitchen without some good tunes)

Close parking spaces (such a gift when maneuvering 4 children 2 of which are toddlers through a parking lot.)

Workout buddies

The smell of clean laundry.

There can be so much joy in everyday experiences.  We need to find it.

Wow.

My kids beg me all the time to go to McDonalds and EAT INSIDE.  We go to Mc Donalds often, but because of the sheer volume of my children I never take them into eat.  I don't know what I was thinking, but tonight, I agreed to take them to McDonalds and eat inside.

 I don't even know where to start.  Caroline was running around like a banshee.  Aubrey was screaming at the top of her lungs for food and everytime I would give her a bite she would put it in her mouth and then spit it on the floor.  My twins were arguing about the happy meal toy and asking for drink refills every 30 seconds.   At one point, I looked over and Caroline was standing on top of the table without any shoes on.  I was speechless.  I have "those kids."  You know..... those kids that we all look at before we actually have any kids of our own and say, "my kids will never act like that."   To top it all off,  as I was getting ready to leave, Caroline decided to bolt out the door into the parking lot.  The drive thru line was full of cars, so to save her life (with Aubrey on my hip) I ran and grabbed her by the back of her hair to get her to stop.  Caroline immediately began screaming loudly that I hurt her and cried "Mama, why did you pull my hair?"  Wow.  I have nothing else to say but wow.  What a stressful experience. 

People often look at me like I am a side show at a circus with my four kiddos and tonight I totally didn't blame them.

The range of emotions I go through in a day is strange. It's like a roller coaster.  Tonight I absolutely wanted to kill all of my children. I felt mad and ignored.  However, now that they are bathed, and in bed, my heart is overflowing with love. I cherish standing at their bedroom doors watching them sleep. I listen to their sweet breathing and think about what blessings they are. I know it's bipolar.

I do know one thing-- of all the "mom advice" I have gotten over the years I hear one piece of advice over and over.  Don't forget to pause and enjoy your children's younger years, although, they can be overwhelming at times, they go by so quickly.

So tonight I ask myself, am I wishing away the days?  Am I always too anxious for my kids to get to the next stage of life so it will be easier?  I know deep down that these days are fleeting like a thief in the night.

So, McDonalds tonight was a disaster...mildly put. Instead of thinking I can't wait until my kids are older so we can eat at restaurants like civilized people ...I'm just going to let it go. I wouldn't change a thing.  If anything, we were some fabulous dinner entertainment.  One day when I am sitting in a restaurant as an empty nester, I will look back and laugh and wish I could do it all over again.

I still profess that McDonald's drive thru is a gift from God!

Remembering.

5 years ago today I walked out of a Russian court room with a paper that said I was the mother of two year old twins. I was ecstatic.  I chuckle remembering this because  I had absolutely no idea what was in store for us.  It was the best of times it was the worst of times.

The next day Ben and I arrived at Baby Home #1.  The orphanage director asked for our paperwork.  We were then literally handed the twins and placed in a small room where we were told to change their clothes.  (The orphanage needed everything so they asked us to leave their clothes for the other children)  Ben and I were then whisked away in a car with Anna and Brynn back to our hotel. 

I was told they eat anything...they didn't.  I was told they would take a 3 hour afternoon nap...they didn't.  I was told they were potty trained...they weren't.  I was told they would be shy and wouldn't want to be hugged and cuddled.... they did, they were wrong, very wrong about that.  Anna and Brynn wanted to sit on my lap, hold my hand and lay their heads on my shoulder.  I couldn't have been any happier.  I was happy because I knew all along it had been God's plan for me to be their mother and Ben to be their father. We had to go through so much to get to that place.  With all the chaos going on around us it was the most peaceful place imaginable. I knew 100 percent that we were in the center of God's will.

I knew from the minute I looked at their precious faces on my computer monitor 3 months before that these were my daughters and I hadn't even met them yet.

The first few months were hard.  Our days were full of adjustments and the reality of two year olds smacking us in the face.  However, through it all, we had joy and peace and many people praying for us!

Now, 5 years later, you would never know of Anna and Brynn's humble beginnings.  People don't even believe me when I say they were adopted from Russia.  They look like me and Ben and their sisters.  You see God takes care of the details.  He just asks us to trust Him and be willing to step out on faith.

I love to see Brynn run down the soccer field and watch Anna do her moves in hip hop class and remember how it all started.  God's plan is so perfect.  May it be your prayer today to be a willing vessel.  For God to use you and your life for His purposes.  For His purposes are perfect.....  not always easy but perfect!

Thankfulness.

Sometimes I am defeated before I even put my feet on the floor in the morning.  Some days I open my eyes, realize it is time to get up and start a new day, and I just want to pull the covers back over my head.  This all over again today?  Really?

A journey of 1000 miles begins with one step.

Truthfully, I love my job.  I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  I would never  choose not to stay home with my kiddos.  But it's hard.  I have learned that my attitude about my job makes all the difference.

So this week, I am practicing something new.  When I am feeling negativity I fight that feeling with thankfulness.  I tell you people... it works.

It even worked on the sticky jelly prints that my daughter decided to wipe on every surface of my kitchen.  "Thank you Lord for my daughter's 10 little fingers."  When daunted by the task of cleaning my house (again) I said "Thank you Lord for the roof over my head that you have provided for my family. The roof that shelters us from the rain and the sun." 

There was one time this week that it was the most difficult to be thankful instead of ticked....  Let me paint the picture for you.  3 of my four children are at school and my baby is napping.  It rarely happens.  I spend my precious hours doing laundry and sweeping and mopping my kitchen floor by hand.  (On a side note..one of my pet peeves is walking into the kitchen and stepping on left over food and crumbs with my bare feet) (Most days I just wear shoes but today I decided to remedy the situation.)   I stop and admire my perfect, untouched floor before I leave to go and pick up my preschooler. I feel a sense of satisfaction.
After arriving home she immediately starts to unpack her bag.  In slow motion I see her pull out her opened bag of half eaten Doritos and dump it on my gleaming, crumb free floor.  "I sorry Mommy."  It was almost humorous.

I stood there for a second wanting to scream and then said, "Thank you Jesus for the children that I prayed for.  You have given me more than the desires of my heart." Totally not what I wanted to say, mind you!  Was that a test God?  It had to be.  I passed with flying colors.

I smile as my daughter and I pick up Doritos of the floor. I take another step on my journey.  I keep working on my thankful heart.  I am God's work in progress.