He Gives and Takes Away

I have thought about what I would write in this post.  I was afraid I wouldn't do it justice, but here goes.  I guess I didn't think I would start 2012 by almost losing my daughter.  It truly is every mother's worst nightmare.  An illness with flu symptoms started, I took her to the ER a few days later and by Sunday she had stopped breathing and had to be put on a ventilator.  They called it Sepsis caused by an infection they never found.

I guess I could go on and on about the horrific details but I won't.  I am trying not to dwell on them even though I replay them in my head constantly.  What I was thinking, what I could have done differently.  But why?

I re- read my blog and I was haunted by some of the things I had written that somewhat foreshadowed this event.  Like when I wrote I am in awe of my life right now but if things change next year may I still say thank you Lord, thank you.  In another post about things I want to teach my daughters I wrote I hope we are together for a long time and I can watch your life unfold, but if God has different plans I want you to know these things.  So many times, I wrote about how time is passing quickly and time is of the essence.  Truly, I had no idea.

I had written that I believe God's plan is perfect and that I want my life to point to Him no matter what.  I really wondered if I could live up to everything I professed I believed if He chose to call my sweet Caroline home.  I would love to tell you that I never lost hope but it simply isn't true.  I prayed my heart out but for a few days things looked very grim and doctors were not very hopeful.

Late one night by Caroline's bedside I sat and watched her on the ventilator.  I replayed in my head all the happy times we spent together and how much joy she has brought to my life.  For a second I felt something come over me.  I know it was my spirit talking because my flesh simply could not.  My flesh felt sad and angry.  I told God that if He was going to call Caroline to Heaven I was so very thankful to have been her mother for three years. What a blessing.  I felt like Abraham and Isaac.  Maybe that was the turning point.  Maybe God wanted to see if I was willing.  Let me tell you, through it all my head had the knowledge, everything I had known and believed for years but my heart was having a hard time getting on board. I knew in my soul God gave her to me and He could take her away.  She belonged to Him, who loved her first.

As the storm raged I was struck by the way the Lord had prepared me to endure, to press on.  Last year was a year of great spiritual growth for me.  The profound lessons I learned were the very lessons that I needed to be able to endure this trial.  I was in awe of the family and friends God put in our midst to lift our heads when we simply could not and for the prayer warriors who prayed without ceasing.

I ask myself would I be saying these things if it had turned out differently and my answer is yes.  If Caroline had died Christ would still be here and be the same.  He is steadfast and unchanging. His plans are perfect.

I'll be honest I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy but I pray someday I will see why this happened.  To God be the glory.

God is good all the time.  All the time God is good.  Savior He can move the mountains.  He is mighty to save.  He is mighty to save.