Anna and Brynn: A Birthday Post.

We met you on your second birthday.  We traveled the winding streets of Novokuznetsk, Russia en route to Baby Home #1 in an old van with a driver who hardly spoke English.  We whipped in and out of traffic passing old apartment buildings and people standing in the streets.  I was nervous.  This was the moment I had been praying for, waiting for and we were here.

We finally arrived.  I remember sights and smells like it was yesterday.  We took our shoes off at the door and the warm air smacked us in the face as we entered the old building.  The air smelled like cabbage soup.  We were placed in a room to go over paperwork.  Then suddenly we were asked to step out into a hallway and there you were walking down the hallway toward me.  This was a moment I had played in my head too many times to count.

You were so scared.  You held tightly to your caregiver not wanting your daddy or me to hold you.  "They will warm up to you," encouraged our translator in a thick Russian accent.  "Let's take them outside to play," she said.  The translator spoke to you in Russian.  She kept repeating Mama... Papa, Mama... Papa.  It was all so surreal I didn't know what to do or to think.

Everything inside me wanted to grab you and hold you closely and never let go, but I knew you were frightened.  Once we were outside Anna, you let us hold you first.  You kept staring at our faces and you sat on your Daddy's lap.  Our translator, Olga handed you to me Brynn.  You held on so tightly and buried your face in between my shoulder and my neck.  I put my hand on the back of your head and held you tightly. I wanted you to feel safe and secure.  At that moment I knew that everything was going to be okay.

Anna you played on the ground with your daddy.  Brynn you sat quietly on my lap just watching.  Our translator took picture after picture of our "new" family. 

Finally the dreaded time came.  Time to leave.  We would have one more visit with you the next day before we had to go back to the United States without you and wait for the Russian government to provide us with a court date when we could travel back to Russia to bring you home.

Your dad and I went back to our hotel that day and sat looking at the pictures of you girls for hours.  We talked about how your demeanors were different than we imagined and how pretty you were.  Daddy wrote in the journal we kept so we wouldn't forget any of it.  I wondered if you ate cake on your second birthday and if you got to celebrate on your special day. I reminisced about the party we would throw on your third birthday at our home surrounded by family.

The next morning we traveled back to the orphanage to visit with you one last time before returning home.  I brought you pink care bears thinking you would love them and they scared you to death.  The minute I got them out you were terrified a started to scream.  We brought you a picture book with pictures of your new home and of Daddy and me and your grandparents. You loved it. You sat the whole time and looked at the album.  You would point to the pictures and say Mama...Papa.  My heart swelled. We gave you each a blanket that Daddy and I had slept with every night before meeting you so that you could get used to our scent.  You held them close to your face.

We played with you both on the slide and Daddy tossed you high into the air. That was the first time I saw you smile Brynn. You just couldn't hide it anymore. I will never forget Daddy telling me to "walk slowly" when it was time to take you in for lunch. We didn't know the next time we would see you again. It was heart wrenching. Daddy and I cried all the way back to our hotel all the while

praying and having faith that the God who gave you to us would keep you safe.

3 long months after your second birthday we were reunited forever. There wasn't a day I didn't think about what you were doing. Next week you will be eight years old.  Hard to believe.  I am nostalgic thinking about how you have blossomed.

Anna you are my tomboy.  You love to play outside and get dirty and  wow can you play soccer. I  love to watch you run down the field.  I feel so proud when people tell me how good you are.  You love nothing more than watching your Pop coach baseball and sitting in the dug out with the team.  You have stretched me and shown me a different type of girl than myself. You are sweet and persistent and we share the same love for Sunday naps all curled up with a blanket in our jammies.

Brynn you are smart and kind.  You are like a second mother to your little sisters, they love you so.  You have excelled in school and your wittiness keeps me laughing everyday.  You love to dress up and every time I turn around you have some sort of costume on, playing make believe that you are on a Texas ranch or  that you are a Sonic waitress or a police officer.  You are so creative and curious. Lately, you have started helping me cook and I adore it.  I love sharing my love of cooking with you.

Things are much different on your eighth birthday.  You have changed and I have changed but what will never change is the love I have for you two sweet girls.  The love that I can't explain to others, the love that was instantaneous the minute I saw you.  So Happy Birthday.  I celebrate how far you have come and the wonderful young ladies you are.  Truly, a God given gift. Thankful.

Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God.  Phil 1:3

Happy eighth birthday my twinkies.  Can't wait to go bowling;)

I love you so much!

Mama  xoxoxoxoxoxo

Confessions and the To Do List.

Does your to do list ever get so long that by the time you actually finish it (which doesn't always happen) that it is time to start over again?

Do you feel so overwhelmed by the chores in front of you that it is easier to sit in the chair and grumble than actually start working on something?  That has been me lately. 

I finally get the kitchen cleaned up from breakfast and somebody is already requesting lunch, or at least a snack.  I finally get in the groove of soccer, every ones cleats fit, we have all the equipment and it is time to start swimming of which we have none of the stuff that goes along with it. I check off that the laundry is complete and I see that a "no name" somebody has had a fashion crisis and put clothes that aren't even dirty in the hamper. (I know Mama I did that to you...paybacks)

Truly it's hard that everything I do gets undone, most days immediately. What is God trying to teach me? Lately, I have been waking up and wanting to throw in the towel. Most mornings this past week the minute I hear little voices and my children rustling in their beds I would think to myself no not yet, not again today, I'm not ready.  I have been carrying around a feeling of being defeated. Satan is winning.

I have been so convicted this week about seeing my children as mess makers, solely put here to destroy my nice neat house.  I am chasing a dream that really shouldn't even matter to me that  much...perfectionism.  I love a clean house.  I feel content and  relaxed when I can sit in a chair and look around and see tidiness.  I crave order in my chaotic life.  But it's too hard.   Most days it's not worth it and to achieve perfect order.  I have to sacrifice what's really important--special time and moments with my kids. I know this deep down in my soul and the sad thing is the whole time I am ranting and raving I know it's wrong and I should stop but I can't make myself.

But today is a new day.  God's grace fresh and new.  Today I am trying a new thing. 

For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.  Isaiah 43:19

I am working through each chore one at a time.  That's all I can do.  Instead of looking at the big picture, I am conquering one thing at a time. Complete one thing and then move onto the next.  Working purposefully and deliberately and most importantly joyfully.  And when things are destroyed, I have to stop gain perspective before I speak or react.  I'm not perfect but I am working on it.

My sweet sunday school teacher says that your children are God's sand paper rubbing off your rough edges. So true.

I have way too many blessings to grumble.  You see those four mess makers, they are blessings!

There is a time, a season if you will, to sit in perfect rooms that look like the pages of a Better Homes and Gardens magazine.  I will probably be lonely in that season of life.  No one around to mess things up.  Lord knows Ben won't mess them up.  He likes order more than me!

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

Kindness

One of the greatest lessons of my life I learned just a few months ago during my daughters illness and hospitalization.  Sometimes it takes hail storms to learn lessons.  Wish that wasn't so but unfortunately for me it is.

In the past I have been nice to people I knew, would take meals to friends, pray for my friends and family but I didn't really have a heart for people outside my "group."  I would see prayer requests on Facebook and gloss over them if it wasn't someone with whom I was really close.

When Caroline was sick the majority of people praying for her I had never met.  Most of the people who brought my family meals day after day didn't even know me.  However, they knew my situation, my desperation and that I was their sister in Christ.

I guess that is all they had to know.  It impacted my life so much.  I have prayed ever since, that God will make me sensitive to people's needs.  That I can be a blessing to people everyday.  Sometimes people I hardly even know.  I pray that I am aware of needs and prayer requests. 

This past week one of Ben's co workers lost his wife suddenly.  They had no warning.  She left behind  4 young sons ages 7-3...(very close to home for me just change the gender)  Ben and I attended the funeral.  Wow, my heart aches for that family. I never knew the woman but I want to help that family any way I can.  My sister and I signed up to take a meal.  If you would please pray for the Flanagan family.

I learned that a sweet note, a movie for my kiddos, snacks for the hospital or even someone texting me to say they were on their knees praying for me made a huge difference.  It doesn't always have to be during tragedy.  Sharing in others successes with their children or accomplishments too.  Like a note telling someone what a great job they have done with their children. Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15

 Kindness is contagious

I don't want to take that kindness for granted.  I want to return it ten fold to others.  I want to get outside of my own life and problems and everyday routines and be present  in the moment for other people.  This life is about so much more than me and my comforts and difficulties and needs.

I pray that I am always aware and always willing.

I guess what I am trying to say is:

Learn to relate to others through MY (God's) love rather than yours.  Your human love is ever so limited, full of flaws and manipulation.  My loving presence which always enfolds you is available to bless others as well as you.  Instead of trying harder to help people through your own paltry supplies become aware of my unlimited supply, which is accessible to you continually.  Let my love envelop your outreach to other people.   From the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

If you don't have this devotional go out and buy it today.  Your heart will be blessed.  I promise. Maybe buy a copy for a friend.

Just had to share what was on my heart today.  I pray that my human heart and earthly ways can be transformed by our ever loving Savior.

Paci Fairy

Today I took Aubrey to her 2 year doctor visit for immunizations and a well check.  I know a little late....she turned 2 in February but this year got off to a bit of a rough start and we are just catching up. 

Little Mama is well, a little mama.  At 27 months she weighs 23 pounds is in the 5th percentile for weight, she is 33 1/4 inches tall (that 1/4 is important to us vertically challenged individuals, trust me) and is in the 15th percentile for height.  The doctor said she is healthy and developing perfectly.  Dr. Soha is not worried about her at all.  After the year I have had that was music my ears.  Honestly, Aubrey eats better than any of my kids.  Little Mama can seriously put away the food. 

The appointment was almost over and the doctor asked me if I had any questions or concerns.  I had to mention it.  I knew exactly what Dr. Soha's response would be but I felt if maybe she scolded me a little I would become motivated.  Motivated to do what you ask?  Motivated to get rid of the paci.  "Well, she still is really attached to her paci," I explained.  "I am having a hard time breaking her from it."    "Oh pacifiers can seriously damage children's teeth, palate and jaws, she needs to stop taking it," Dr. Soha replied.  "I know it's just hard," I responded.

It is hard.  I think I am as attached to that thing as she is.  I know it is a sure fire way to get her to be quiet, to go to sleep and it totally soothes her when she is upset. It would be easier to let her keep it.  I actually entertained the thought for a brief moment.  You know she is my fourth kid and I am pretty tired but I know deep down I need to bite the bullet and pull the plug...or paci if you will.

Dr. Soha got on eye level with Aubrey and talked to her about her paci.  She told her she could keep blankie (Thank God. See it could always be worse. Baby steps.) but that she needed to give her paci to the paci fairy so she could take it to the little babies with no teeth who need them.  Aubrey sat there in complete silence studying the doctor's every word.  Not a sound.  The whole time I wondered what she was thinking and feeling.  She didn't cry.   I think it would be like telling someone they have to quit smoking cold turkey.

We walked to the car and Aubrey gets in her seat a announces proudly "No more pacis."  Alright, we can do this,  I thought.

When we got home Caroline (she is only three and is way more responsible than me) got a box and gathered up all Aubrey's pacis first thing.  There are quite a few.  We located them under the couch, between the bed and the wall, in the toy box and in the very well known paci drawer.  I didn't want Aubrey to find one in a few days and backslide.

Aubrey layed down for her nap and bawled.  She cried for her paci over and over.  My heart broke for her.  I went and sat with her and we talked about how hard it is to give up pacis but that we don't want her teeth to be messed up. She never did fall asleep until her daddy held her and she fell asleep briefly on his shoulder.

Wanting to ride this perfect wave we were on I told her that the paci fairy came while she was sleeping and took her pacis and left her some money.  I told her she could use her money to go to Wal Mart and buy whatever she wanted.  " A baby," she replied.  Of course. What else could she want?  We need 1 more to add to our collection of 103 baby dolls.  Okay, maybe that is a slight exaggeration but you get the point.  But I promised.

We went to wally world.  She picked out the perfect baby and yes, I got suckered into a baby carrier as well.  She is extremely happy with her new addition to her collection. 

I guess we will have to see how bed time goes this evening.  Trust me this is a momentous day for me and for my baby girl.  Pray that we both survive.....

I guess if I was going to insert an appropriate Bible verse  here it could be something like "Have no idols before me."  Paci was becoming an idol. Now maybe if we get over this milestone she will inspire her daddy to quit dipping.  We can only hope...

No paci last night but she felt better sleeping with Brynn....

Caroline Update: Four Months Later

Four months ago exactly, my 3 year old daughter Caroline was in the hospital fighting for her life.  I truly have never felt more helpless.  We almost lost her and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

What a life changing experience it has been.  She has fully recovered and as of last month is no longer on any medications.  She was taken off of her blood thinners after 3 months of treatment.  Many people ask me exactly what her diagnosis was and they seem to think that it was Lemmiere's Syndrome.  It is a rare disease that usually affects young adult males but is now being seen more often in toddler age children.  The disease begins with an infection of the throat or in Caroline's case and ear infection into which bacteria enters into the body.  The bacteria penetrate from the abscess into the neighboring jugular vein in the neck and there they cause an infected clot to form, from which bacteria are seeded throughout the body by the bloodstream. Pieces of the infected clot break off and travel to the lungs as emboli blocking branches of the pulmonary artery bringing deoxygenated blood from the heart to the lungs. This causes shortness of breath, chest pain and severe pneumonia often times leading to sepsis a severe blood infection.  A person can go from perfectly healthy to their death bed in a few short days with Lemmieres, as is what happened with Caroline.  I feel the need to get the word out there about this syndrome.  Wolfson's Children's Hospital is conducting a special study on Caroline's case in hopes of finding out more about the disease and educating more physicians about it.  They could never 100% diagnose Caroline because they had given her so many antibiotics that none of the cultures they took ever grew.  Her symptoms met the Lemierre's Syndrome stats almost identically. That is the doctors best guess as to what happened to our girl.

Just the other night I sat down and read every post on the Caring Bridge web site and on the Facebook page, Prayers for Caroline.  Truthfully, it was a gut wrenching journey back to those dark days. I experienced the ups and the downs, the joy and sorrow all over again. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I had a pit in my stomach.

I am still completely overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and prayers for my sweet Caroline and our family.  Please know your kindness has forever changed my life. 

Complete strangers still run up to us in public and hug Caroline.  She asks them so innocently, "Did you pray for me?"  You better believe I have told her how many people prayed for her.  Her Caring Bridge page had over 14,000 visitors.  A mere glimpse into the power of Jesus Christ.  I still stand amazed at the stories of faith renewed and lives changed during this ordeal.  As my Mama always said, sometimes blessings come through raindrops.  Do I ever know it now.  I have printed out all the comments from her FB and Caring Bridge pages so that one day she can understand the power of prayer and how it saved her. And that she can know that God must have big plans for her life.  Only God could have taken such a terrible ordeal and used it for His glory and His purposes.  I have heard countless stories of this happening.

However, I woke up this Mother's Day thankful but relieved that I was not waking up to a Mother's Day without Caroline.  It could have very well been my reality.  I can't forget.  I now have a powerful testimony to share with the world.

Caroline Update: Our sweet girl was taken off antibiotics the beginning of March and blood thinners were discontinued the middle of April.  She has dealt with intermittent pain in her leg which the doctor said would go away in time.  Her muscles and joints went through quite and ordeal and when she is very active she experiences soreness.  I am happy to report she has not complained of any pain at all lately.  Our pediatrician said they were cautious that there may have been some cognitive impairment through this and that Caroline is showing no signs.  Praise God. 

Caroline is back to her sunny, happy go lucky, three year old self.  She is funny and active and loves nothing more than playing with her sisters.  She has not returned to any of her activities since her hospitalization.  We put school and ballet on hold until next year because of the blood thinner medication she was taking.  She is very bored without her activities and never ceases to let me know!  She is already registered for preschool next year and has informed me she wants to play soccer just like Anna and Brynn.

I am a Mama on my knees humbled by the outcome of this terrible situation, grateful for the friends and family that supported and lifted our heads.  I am strengthened in my faith and relationship with God.  He doesn't promise that we will not go through storms but he doesn't let us walk alone.  In fact He carries us. You carried us.  So thankful.

Four months later I am happy to report we are all well.  Knock on wood.  We are anticipating a summer full of frolicking at the pool, relaxing and beach trips with our families. We will be dancing at my sister's wedding in October. Caroline will be a flower girl yet again;)  God is good all the time. All the time God is good.

We sang Blessed be the Name of the Lord this morning in church.  I could hardly sing the verse,  He gives and takes away because that what was running through  my head during her entire hospitalization.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about our ordeal.

Mothers Day 2012. Yay Us!

Mother's Day was exactly the kind of time I envisioned for all the years before I had kids.  All my children would sit around me ( at that time my vision included 2) they were all fresh faced and neatly dressed, they would present me with homemade gifts and kisses tell me what a great Mom I am.  My hubby would stand proudly beside me admiring the family we created together.

The following scenario I did not envision when I thought about mothering pre kids (it included four kids) and happened to me just yesterday morning and happens well almost every morning.  Mental picture....   I was fixing Anna and Brynn's hair, Aubrey was standing in her high chair screaming, either getting ready to fall and crack her head open or chuck her full cereal bowl onto the floor (both would have been bad) and Caroline was positioned just outside the bathroom with her panties around her ankles, a wad of toilet paper in her hand that would stop up even the most expensive toilet, pleading with me to please wipe her. All at the same time. Yes folks, this is mothering.  The latter happens way more frequently than people standing around admiring me and my mad mothering skills.

Being a mother comes with the good and the bad. It's hard and wonderful all at the same time.  But most days there is nothing like it!

The fact is these scenarios are both the reality of mothering. ( all maybe except the fresh faced and neatly dressed part) at least in my house.  Yay for mother's who do it all willingly, gracefully and lovingly everyday.  Today we celebrate you! (and me;)

So just know that all those peanut butter sandwiches you make matter, all the drinks you get again and again over the course of a day matter, all the tears you wipe away and boo boos you kiss matter, the countless loads of laundry you fold and put away matter. I could go on and on. 

It all matters.

Thank you for doing it!

Mother's today count your blessings, seize the day, cherish your time, and enjoy the moments. Love on those babies. Make a difference in their lives for eternity. Their childhoods are like sands in the hour glass.  God has given us such power, we are raising future mothers and fathers. I am sweating,( I mean glistening) thinking about it! Such an important job.

I can't let Mother's Day pass without a shout out to my Mama.  I love you because you are selfless and kind and strong.  You taught me what it means to be a woman of God, how to live out my faith everyday, and that faith is not a religion but a relationship.  You taught to get on my knees and pray fervently.  I know100% that you pray for me and my family everyday. What a relief.  And I love and thank you for the little things you do, that really are big to me....  that you were as excited as I was the day Anna and Brynn came home.  You always share my joys.  That you do my laundry when I come to visit you and always send me home with a suitcase full of clean clothes, you listen patiently to all my phone calls about child rearing woes.  I can always seek your wisdom.  You taught me to make lemonade out of lemons in life, that often our blessings come through raindrops.  You are my biggest cheerleader and always were.  You are ever present. There has never been a time that I have called and needed you that you haven't come.  You always make me feel pretty and smart and capable.  I count myself blessed to call you Mom.  If I can model half of what you taught me, for my daughters, I will be doing okay.  I love you with all my heart.  I miss you.   Enjoy your special day!

The fact that I am a woman does not make me different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman and mother. For I have accepted God's ideas of me and my whole life is an offering back to Him of all that I am, and all that He wants me to be.
-Elisabeth Elliott

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. Proverbs 1:8

Hope you feel extra special and loved on your day.  I know I do.

Happy Mother's Day!

The Marriage Conference. Oneness.

The marriage conference we attended last weekend was wonderful.  The ongoing theme was oneness in marriage.

What is oneness you ask...

Oneness in marriage involves complete unity with each other.  It's more than a mere mingling of two humans-- it's a tender merger of body, soul and spirit.
-Dennis Rainey

The conference was full of couples just like us.  People who love each other but are just busy with everyday life, people who have kids, people who desire to have the marriage God intended us to share and enjoy.

It was refreshing to see people actively working on their marriage.  Talking about hard issues, working through disagreements and learning how to better communicate.

It is understanding that gives us an ability to have peace.  When we understand the other fellow's viewpoint, and he understands ours, then we can work out our differences.
-Harry Truman

The biggest thing I personally learned about communication with Ben is  timing is everything and that his style is completely different from mine....and drum role please... sometimes silence is golden.  Who would have thought silence could be golden, and if we are silent it doesn't mean he doesn't love me.  I think that was one of my ah ha moments throughout the weekend.

Marriage is more significant than you may have thought.  Marriage was designed by God and is defined by God.  Marriage is at the center of God's purpose for mankind.  Couples who mirror God's image experience oneness in their marriage.

Oneness in marriage is only possible when we consider our spouse before we consider ourselves.

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
 Philippians 2;3-4

As a couple we are to multiply a godly legacy.  Now this is not only possible by popping babies out.  There are plenty of ways to become a mother.  I think Ben and I have the be fruitful and multiply part covered.

Another ah ha moment... God's cornerstone principle for marriage, We must choose (yes that is right not always want but choose) to receive our spouse as God's perfect provision for us.  We must focus on God's character and His goodness in providing our spouse.  View your spouse as a gift.

Yes ladies, that means he is a gift when his clothes are on the floor or he feeds the kids chips for dinner or when (this one is for me) he reorganizes the pantry for the 3rd time in a week.  Yes gentlemen, she is a gift when she takes ten years to get ready, talks during football games, and is always too tired to well...you know...

The weekend was fabulous.  We didn't want to come home.  We took uninterrupted naps, strolled hand in hand, ate way too much food and talked, and yes sometimes we sat in silence just enjoying each others presence.

If you feel so inclined the conference is called Weekend to Remember by Family Life Ministries.  You should go.  They have conferences all over the country.

People I get it.  Life is crazy, things change, people change, kids are all consuming, marriage is hard.  But it is worth working on.  Ben and I aren't perfect.  We have our moments but what we desire to achieve in our marriage is what makes it special.  We will get there someday.  I am sure of it;)